A few years ago, I
would have been the person to dominate every conversation. I would interrupt
you to share my ideas and every response would be a rebuttal, guaranteed. My
enthusiasm would kill anyone's positivism because they wouldn't be able to show
me that they cared too. I needed to learn how to appreciate the concept
"step up, step back". Over the past few years I've had so many
wonderful, stimulating experiences that have allowed me to look beyond the
personality that I allow many people to see and examine my real self. It's a
hard thing to do but with feedback and also time I've changed into a person
that I really like. I will be the first to admit that I am still talkative and
definitely enthusiastic but I find myself caring about what others want to say
and gaining an immense appreciation for observation. Even when I do interrupt
or offend, which happens of course, I recognize that I am wrong and I think
that's a respectable quality. When I think about who I want to be, I feel confident
that I want to be a leader but not someone who is resented. I want to be a
teacher but also a learner. These balances are what make us human and our own
goals, I think, are what makes us unique. I realized that I need to respect how
I'm thinking and feeling and that being the optimistic, "always look at
the bright side" type of girl can only get me so far. It felt like I was
fake at times because when someone was upset I'd list off the good things that
could come from it and that didn't feel realistic to me. I began to think that
I was trying to be someone else. Not that being positive isn't a good thing but
that I wasn't allowing myself to feel other emotions. I was forcing myself to
accept that this was how I "should" be when really I'm a whole person
that I needed to get to know. When I gave myself a chance I noticed that my
mind is boggling with questions about equality, justice, rights and wrongs,
people, and especially group dynamics. I was brought up to believe that no question
is a bad question but in some ways this new appreciation for what I'm thinking
had gotten me caught up in a web of things I never considered before and I'm learning a lot about me.
Here's what I mean…
While I'm learning
so much about race and service and
diversity in my life there are so many things to think about and I'm determined
to speak my mind. What's not linking up though is that in my head what I have
to say sounds good and I know there is meaning behind my words but once I say
them I feel like I need to swallow them back up because my curiosity about
group dynamics has led me to watch so closely a for people's reactions that if
the reaction is met by resentment I freeze up. Then I almost expect to be met
with dissent which makes it hard to be confident in my own words. So in saying
this, I'm trying to relay that although someone might seem confident on the
outside, they may not be letting on how hesitant they really are. For me this
means that even when I speak my mind the instant that I'm finished talking, and
it might be a while later, I find myself regretting what I've said or feeling
as if I need to justify why I said what I did with more words. It's like as soon as I speak I'm questioning
myself. But why? Even in the smallest of situations I'm wondering if what I
said was right, should I agree more often, speak less? And then when I'm
actually speaking sometimes I'm telling myself to just stop because it's no use
since I feel like what I say in the end is not important. Knowing that I have a
point to make means nothing after I've made the point and when I recognize the way that people speak to each other I am realizing that what often times when people say offensive things nobody points it out. We are taught to avoid confrontation and that leads to people settling or backing down. We have created an environment that encourages people's ideas to be stifled and we lie to ourselves and say that each person should be heard when really our idea of a respectful conversation is being overshadowed by this new sensation that whoever is loudest or speaks most is the right one. Then it's a constant struggle to determine if you are speaking enough to be heard or speaking too much and being tuned out. It's a tough situation
to find yourself in because often times the people around you have no idea
that's what you're dealing with.
Though this
experience and great friends, I'm finding it easier to confront what I've been
telling myself was not an issue. I am reminding myself that I do not need to
justify what I say or have an excuse for my actions. It's hard to tell yourself
that you are doing the right thing when your own mind is meeting you with an
argument. In this way I think my biggest opponent is myself. What I'm learning
though is that it is important to be
proud of who you are and confident but also accommodating. I think that
this means that we should appreciate where we have come from and understand
that not everyone has the same life experiences that got them to this point.
And I guess I'm saying "we" because even in this context it's easier.
In our classes we talk a lot about consensus making and how that differs from
group think. What I know is that consensus making is not supposed to be an
opportunity for one person to speak and others to use their points as platforms
for their argument later on. Rather, consensus making should be about hearing
what people have to say and figuring out how to really work as a group to
respect each other's needs but also wants. I noticed that when people are
passionate they stop listening. This is not always the case but I feel that
sometimes other people's turn to talk is just a time for people around to think
about what they will say next instead of actually listening. When someone speaks they should feel heard,
not tolerated, in all aspects of the
definition. I am setting a goal for myself to be less worried about what others
think and how they respond to what I say and be more focused on believing in the
power of words, mine and others. I want to advocate for people who are less
vocal but not speak for them because they have the right to say what they are
thinking through their words and actions. I hope to develop the skills to feel
heard and to appreciate the beauty in saying exactly what I think and letting
it ring. As we all change and challenge ourselves this semester I know I'll be
conscious of my role as a leader, teacher, mentor, friend, learner, and
teammate during this experience. By writing this I am showing that I think what I have to say is important and I know that my words will be valued and respected and I am taking the first step to making a difference for me!
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